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My Husband Is Spoiling Our Grandchildren. How Do I Make Him Stop?
Couples don’t always align when it comes to their grandparenting styles
Jon Krause
It’s no secret that many grandparents love to dote on their grandchildren. Some even provide them with financial support.
In fact, grandparents contribute an average of around $3,950 annually to their grandchildren through gifts, contributions to college funds and day-to-day expenses like groceries, according to a 2024 TheSeniorList.com survey of 1,209 Americans age 55 and older.
The survey also found that more than 1 in 4 older adults live more frugally so that they can support their grandkids, with half of that cohort reporting they’re willing to postpone retirement if necessary.
But couples don’t always align when it comes to grandparenting styles. Sometimes a grandparent is more inclined than their spouse to shower the grandkids with gifts.
Our etiquette columnist weighs in on this hot-button subject.
My husband and I adore our grandchildren, but I think he’s going to spoil them rotten. He buys them anything they ask for — the latest toys, games, what have you. I don’t think it’s teaching them good habits, and I fear it’s even starting to put a strain on our retirement savings. How can I make him stop?
Those big eyes, those cute noses, those sweet voices — children have a way of making even the strictest adults melt and give in to their wishes.
I’m guilty of this with my niece and nephew. I love giving them sweet treats when they visit. I even purchased season tickets to our local college hockey team because my nephew went with me to two games the year prior, only for him to then lose interest.
My advice to you is to do two things. First, please cut your dear husband some slack. Second, have a conversation with him about your concerns.
You’ll want to take a delicate approach to avoid causing any hurt feelings. And remember that even if he agrees with you in theory, grandchildren can be difficult to resist. It might take your husband several tries before he stops showering them with presents or buying them everything that they ask for.
Reflecting on your own experience as parents can help. Remind your husband of some of the rules that you two (presumably) set for yourselves to avoid spoiling your children when you were raising them. Refreshing his memory may help him see the benefits of reining in his generosity now as a grandparent.
Consider framing the conversation as “we” instead of “you”: “Jim, I love how much you love our grandkids, and I can’t tell you how much my heart is filled with joy having them in our lives. But honey, we’re not teaching them good financial habits by doting on them all the time. I see it when we give them gifts every time we see them, and I want to change this pattern before the expectation becomes ingrained in them. Can we reel it in a bit?”
The “we” approach puts you on equal footing, instead of placing blame on your spouse. Essentially, it’s a softer, nonaggressive way to broach the topic.
Another step you can take to get the doting under control? Talk with him about setting a budget for how much money you as a couple are willing to spend on your grandkids. Putting pen to paper can help cement your spending limit and get on the same page.
I also encourage you to come up with some fun activities that you can do with your grandchildren that don’t involve gifts or money. Sometimes it’s as simple as going for a walk in the park or a bike ride instead of taking them to the toy store.
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